ASK UNCLE FRED

by

Fred Heald

Ask Uncle Fred #35 

Hey Uncle Fred, 

Why’s everybody always picking on me? We got invited to play an interclub over at our arch-nemesis, the Two Egg Croquet and Chowder Society (TECCS). Their courts are built on a reclaimed phosphate mine and surrounded by a swamp. Instead of corner flags, they have signs that say “Don’t Feed the Alligators” and “Beware of Venomous Reptiles.” To make matters worse, it’s really hard to get an even stance when playing a shot in from the boundary line. Based on your advice, I went out and bought a secondhand rules book on eBay. Best two dollars I ever spent!

Well, anyways, my blue ball was on the boundary line, and I needed to clear the red ball, which was only ten feet away. Unfortunately, his yellow ball was about two feet from my red ball and blocking my clearing shot. I smugly quoted rule 9.4.2 and requested that I be able to move my ball in two feet to get an even stance. This brought me two feet closer to red and also took yellow out of play. Well, their chowder-head of a referee comes over and says that’s fine, but the red ball gets moved back the same two feet and yellow gets moved so that it’s still blocking my clearing shot!

I was about to argue the point, but I noticed six keeper-size alligators edging up on the bank right behind me. I was barely able to make contact with my ball what with all the reptilian spectators. Is any of this stuff even remotely legal?

Signed,

Croquet Rock Star

Dear Croquet Rock Star, 

Congratulations on buying a rules book; now read it, specifically the next paragraph, Rule 9.4.3. In this situation, if the object ball (red) is within 18 feet of the striker ball, the opponent has the option to move the object ball in the same distance that you moved blue in from the boundary line. (On the same line originally between the two balls.) Rule 9.4.3 (a). Also, since the yellow ball was within 3 feet of your blue ball and was likely to interfere with its passage, yellow is to be moved so that its position relevant to your blue ball, remains the same. Remember to mark the object ball (red) before striking. If you miss your clearing shot on red, it is replaced to its original position. Rule 9.4.3 (b). Nice try, no cigar.

Signed,

Uncle Fred

Author’s Note: If you grew up in South Florida and are of a certain age, you can remember when alligators were an endangered species. Actually seeing one was a bit of an oddity. Alligator skin was such a hot commodity that poachers were threatening their very existence. In 1975, a law was passed that prohibited the international trade of alligator skin and that pretty much dried up demand and the gators were left in peace. Of course, now there is hardly a body of water in Florida more than twenty feet across that doesn’t have its own resident gator. Moral of the story; be careful what you ask for.

P.S. We really do need our gators: they are our last line of defense against all the invasive Burmese pythons slithering around the Everglades.

Ask Uncle Fred #36

Dear Gentle Readers,

Well, it’s time to open up the old mailbag, but first, a few definitions may be in order.

• Mailbag: A large canvas bag used by the U.S. Postal Service to transport mail.
• U.S. Postal Service: A government entity tasked with delivering catalogues, real estate solicitations, requests for money, and the occasional letter.
• Letter: A written document designed to communicate information. Occasionally handwritten using a #2 pencil in the cursive format.
• Cursive: A type of encryption designed by the Boomer generation and their ancestors, virtually indecipherable by anyone under 35. It is somewhat similar to the standard transmission on a car (stick shift), AKA a millennial anti-theft device.
• #2 Pencil: …….oh, never mind.

Here we go. The first three are:

Hey, Uncle Fred, you are an idiot. Signed, Anon.

Hey Uncle Fred, what makes you think you’re so funny? Signed, Anon.

Hey Uncle Fred, if you’re such an expert, how come your DGrade

is so low? Signed, Anon.

Dear Anon, 

Croquet Rock Star, if you’re going to sign your letters Anon, don’t put your return address on the envelope.

Dear Uncle Fred,

I’m confused. In a recent game, my opponent damaged the court on his very first shot to start the match. I told him to replace it, and he plopped it down right back in the middle of the start area, which made my next shot quite awkward. Was that right?

Signed

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Dear Perplexed,

No, it wasn’t right. A fault in the first four turns of the game becomes an outside agency and should have been taken off the court until his next turn to play. Rule 5.4. I hope you beat the scallywag.

Dear Uncle Fred,

There is this guy at our club who has a hard time deciding if the sun rises in the east, “Dithering Dan” is his nickname. In a recent match, I faulted and asked what he wanted me to do. “Leave it where it is, no I mean bring it back, no I mean go to the penalty area,” and yes, he is slow as steam off a fresh cow pie on a cold winter’s morning.

What to do?

Signed,

Perturbed in Peoria

Dear Perturbed,