ASK UNCLE FRED

by

Fred Heald

Ask Uncle Fred #33

Hey Uncle Fred, 

How long must I endure these indignations! Lord Clem and I were locked up in a tight one during our weekly “Mallets and Multiple Martinis on Monday” match. After I ran hoop eight with blue, he asked me where to go next. I might have mistakenly pointed at hoop five instead of nine. Red, black, and yellow played in succession. I then score hoop five with blue! Suddenly Clem exclaims, “confound it, Mr. Rock Star, you have done me dirty! You are wrong as sin on Sunday, we are contesting the wrong wicket!” Referee Humphrey saunters over and just shakes his head. “Put red, black, yellow, and blue back where they were after blue ran hoop eight and red is to play to hoop nine. Your hoop five does NOT count.” How come I get penalized; Clem was just as clueless as I was? I just know he and Humphrey are in cahoots.

Signed,

Croquet Rock Star

Dear Croquet Rock Star,

Multiple Martinis on Monday? Nice alliteration, and I’m surprised you could remember where to replace the balls to begin with. We have discussed when hoops are contested or run out of order in AUF 16 & 17, Rule 7.9. Your most recent kerfuffle differs in one key element; you gave Lord Clem incorrect information when you pointed him at the wrong hoop. The violation is “Interference by Incorrect Information.” Rule 9.6. Humphrey’s ruling was spot on. It’s important to note that if Lord Clem had played red a second time before noticing the indiscretion, all the prior strokes would have been treated as legal (condoned), and play would have resumed toward hoop nine once it was discovered. Any hoop run out of order would not have counted. Rule 7.9.1 and Rule 9.6.2.

Signed,

Uncle Fred

Author’s Note: I actually got caught up in this type of situation last year. Two guys had played a number of strokes before realizing that one had given out incorrect information. It was stereophonic chaos as each attempted to give me their version of events. Worse, they could not agree on the facts. My solution? I yelled, “Hey look! A squirrel!” While they were distracted, I exited stage left in a hurry. 

P.S. True story, except for the squirrel part.

Ask Uncle Fred #34 

Hey Uncle Fred, 

Well, there is no joy in Mudville: I’ve apparently struck out again. Yesterday I thought I had figured out a way to shake up Lord Clem before our match started. I won the coin toss but decided to play red and yellow. The look on his face confirmed that he was truly discombobulated. As I was lining up my initial shot with red, Clem says, “Well, if you are quite sure you prefer red, step aside whilst I commence our duel.” What? I won the toss; I go first! Just then, his lackey of a manservant, Humphrey the referee, heaves a deep sigh and says, “Regrettably sir, blue plays first regardless of who won the toss.” Well, naturally, Clem tees blue up right in front of hoop one, runs it, and cremates me 7-2. I’m as mad as a vegan at Octoberfest, but what can I do? 

The very next day, I’m playing my Australian buddy, Alligator Dundee, in a best-of-three match. Al wins the coin toss and wins the first game. I go first in the second game and win. I then pull out my trusty Susan B. Anthony to flip to see who goes first in the tiebreaker. Al says, “Crikey mate, why don’t you invest in a rule book, stand aside and let me play!” Then, to put a cherry on this poop pie, he pulls out a RED rule book to prove his point. That explains everything! He and Humphrey have their own private rule book. Everyone knows the rule book is yellow. 

Signed,

Croquet Rock Star

Dear Croquet Rock Star.

You are really wearing me out. The winner of the coin toss can choose to play blue/black or red/yellow, but the blue ball always plays first. When you chose red, you ceded the first shot to Lord Clem. Rule 5.1. As far as your conflict with Al goes, it’s simple: in a best-of-three match, the loser of the previous game goes first in the next game. Yes, I know that means the same person could go first in the first two games, but that’s the rule. 5.3.2. As far as the rule book goes, you may have noticed our British cousins do things a bit differently. They drive on the wrong side of the road; they drink their tea hot and their beer warm; they say toe-MAH-toe, etc. Their Sixth Edition of the Golf Croquet rules has a red cover; ours is yellow. Don’t ask me why; nobody consulted me on this one. 

Signed,

Uncle Fred

Author’s note: Just to flesh this subject out, in singles and doubles, you must keep the same colors you started out with. 5.3.1.

In singles, if you lost the previous game, you may start the next game with either one of your designated balls.  In doubles, if you lost the previous game, either you or your partner can start the next game. 5.3.2.