#21
Genesis of Ask Uncle Fred
During the summer, Tilly, Willow, Diane, and myself (doodle, doodle, wife, dog walker, in order of importance) reside in beautiful Sky Valley, tucked away in the Northeast Georgia mountains. Croquet at Sky Valley is organic. By that I mean most everyone who plays, learned to play at Sky Valley. We have a robust and enthusiastic membership but no resident teaching pro or experienced high D-grade player who moved in and joined the Club. At the beginning, we briefly had the luxury of having Ken Scoggins, but he moved away leaving us to our own devices.
At some point in time, I realized that we weren’t exactly playing by all the rules, at least not as far as my extensive YouTube video viewing indicated, so I decided to try and decipher that yellow rules book. Eventually, the hieroglyphs began to come into focus. Over time I became the self-professed “rules guy”. Questions ranged from “which end of this mallet is the business end” to “Fred, would you explain ball swap….AGAIN!”
Over the summer, the head of our Croquet committee suggested I write a Q&A piece for our weekly croquet newsletter. It occurred to me to try and make it amusing and at the same time impart a bit of knowledge, kind of like Dear Abby meets the Click & Clack Brothers. Later, back in Naples, I started resending a few out to the members of the Naples Croquet Club. A fellow member suggested that they might like them over at the USCA. Eventually, I sent a batch over to Sara Low, editor of the Weekly Croquet Break. I fully expected a rejection letter something along the lines of “Mr. Heald, what makes you think our esteemed readers would be interested in such low-brow material?” Surprisingly, she liked them, and I hope you do too.
I’m often asked where I get the ideas. Occasionally it’s from observing my fellow players. If you see me lurking behind a potted plant eavesdropping on your style of play, manners, quirks, and foibles, beware, you could be subject matter for the next AUF!
Signed,
Uncle Fred
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Ask Uncle Fred #22
Hey Uncle Fred,
As a rule, I like Clem, he speaks funny but he’s generally a decent sort. Something has got to give though. He recently got his manservant (or butler or caddy, whatever he is) certified as a Class III GC referee. Humphrey is ok, dresses funny but he makes a decent Pimm’s Cup, wait, I digress. My complaint is that Humphrey is just making up his own rules when it comes to offsides. Just in the last week, he came up with these calls, apparently out of thin air!
1. Clem, playing Black, was in the jaws of hoop four. When it was Blue’s turn to play, he snicked Black through the hoop and Blue ended up right in front of hoop five! Foul! cry I. “Apologies sir, all quite proper, play on,” says Humphrey.
2. Shortly thereafter, Clem is again in the jaws of hoop five with Blue. When it’s his turn, Clem whacks Blue so hard through the hoop it rolls down and smacks Black across the halfway line, almost to hoop six! Well, that’s offsides. Everyone knows you can’t promote your partner ball past the halfway line and not be offsides. “Pardon sir, all quite legal, play on,” says Humphrey.
3. The next day I was in the jaws of hoop one, playing Red, and Clem’s black ball was clearly offsides. I hit a fantastic shot, Red is headed straight toward hoop two, but it somehow pops Black, moving it even closer to the hoop. Clem steps up and runs hoop two with Black. Not so fast, my friend, says I, no hoop and you scoot over to the penalty area. “I beg to differ,” says Humphrey, “the hoop counts and play on to hoop three.”
I’ve had it with these newly minted referees who don’t have a clue! I think I will become one, how hard can it be?
Signed,
Croquet Rock Star
Dear Croquet Rock Star,
Hey, watch it with the “newly minted referee” comment. I resemble that remark! And while we’re at it, Sweet Jumpin Jehoshaphat, don’t even think about becoming a referee but that’s another topic.
As far as Humphrey goes, you have really opened up a can of earthworms. Long story short: he be right, you be wrong.
There are four exemptions that allow you to be “legally offsides.” Rule 8.3
“A ball is not an offsides ball…if it reached its final position (as a result of)…the stroke just played” 8.3.1 (a). In your first two situations, Clem’s ball reached its final position as a result of the scoring stroke he just played.
In the third case, once your ball hit your opponent, even though he was offsides, you made him legal. Rule 8.3.1 (b)
Well done, Humphrey.
Signed,
Uncle Fred
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